Sometimes as a parent, just one little thing sets us off…just ONE tiny little insignificant thing. Well, I know for me at least as an only parent with no dad around to help me out, these things aggravate me even more. It often turns into some big huge deal that we can’t even control, and frustrates us beyond measure. If you ever think you have it hard as a married parent and your husband works a lot, trying stepping into a widowed mom’s shoes…
I’m an only parent and I have no one to rely on for help. Everything is dependent on me, myself and I. Yes, I do have Mr eHarmony, but I don’t like asking him for help if I can help it because it isn’t his responsibility. I am working more on delegating the yard work to him when he’s here on weekends, but because he had staff duty this weekend, it fell on me. I hate asking him to do that, and I always feel so guilty. I am working on not feeling guilty for asking him for help when I truly need it.
I had myself and the boy out front working on the yard this afternoon, mowing the grass, weeding and whatnot. He and I got the front yard cleaned up fairly well, and I went to the backyard to mow the grass.
Except the lawnmower wouldn’t start.
I’m not a dumbass, I know how to start the lawnmower. Who do you think did all the yard work when my husband was working as a truck driver? It’s just something that has always fallen on my shoulders. I hate yard work with a passion. Hate hate hate it. I fucking hate it.
Right as I was pulling the rope thingy to start it (hey, I know how to start it, I don’t have to know the technical names, ok?), the rope snapped and I’m sure the whole neighborhood heard me yell “DAMMIT” at the top of my lungs. Fuck.
Well, I tried again, but wrapped the rope around my fingers, promptly giving myself slight rope burn as well, and pulled the rope back hoping it would start. Nope. Not even a sputter out of that damn engine. I tried that a few times. I got nothing out of it.
Then I thought to check the oil, and it didn’t need oil either. Tried to start it again, and nothing. I even let the engine sit for a while to see if it was flooded for some bizarre reason. That didn’t work either.
So my backyard grass remains long, and I am fairly sure that Athena (the dog) will soon be able to hide in the long blades of grass. I don’t know how to fix a lawnmower, I don’t know how to load my huge ass lawnmower into the back of my Honda Pilot to take it to a repair shop (not to mention, there is no room for that anyway), and I have no idea what’s wrong with it. So I just rolled it back into the garage and though “Fuck this shit” to myself. And now I’m writing a blog post about how pissed off it made me.
This is really just one of those things that overwhelms me, and just seems like the straw that broke the camel’s back. What am I supposed to do now? I just want to toss it and go buy a new one. Not that I really have the money for that anyway, but it seems like the easy way to go.
When my husband first died, instances like this were what made me really angry. So angry I wanted to yell and scream at him for leaving me like this because he didn’t teach me how to take care of stuff like this. I was left so unprepared, and I hate it so much. I was widowed at 29, and all I knew was being a stay at home mom. I’ve had many things that made me angry…the lawnmower, dealing with boy issues, pre-teen emotions, painting, other home repairs..you name it, it pisses me off.
I guess all I can do now is ask Mr eHarmony to see if he can figure it out for me, and if not, then explore those options next weekend. If I have to buy a new lawnmower than so be it. I just wish that this life wasn’t so hard, that everything didn’t have to fall on my shoulders.