The Straw That Broke The Camel’s Back

Sometimes as a parent, just one little thing sets us off…just ONE tiny little insignificant thing.  Well, I know for me at least as an only parent with no dad around to help me out, these things aggravate me even more.  It often turns into some big huge deal that we can’t even control, and frustrates us beyond measure.  If you ever think you have it hard as a married parent and your husband works a lot, trying stepping into a widowed mom’s shoes…

I’m an only parent and I have no one to rely on for help.  Everything is dependent on me, myself and I.  Yes, I do have Mr eHarmony, but I don’t like asking him for help if I can help it because it isn’t his responsibility.  I am working more on delegating the yard work to him when he’s here on weekends, but because he had staff duty this weekend, it fell on me.  I hate asking him to do that, and I always feel so guilty.  I am working on not feeling guilty for asking him for help when I truly need it.

I had myself and the boy out front working on the yard this afternoon, mowing the grass, weeding and whatnot.  He and I got the front yard cleaned up fairly well, and I went to the backyard to mow the grass.

Except the lawnmower wouldn’t start.

I’m not a dumbass, I know how to start the lawnmower.  Who do you think did all the yard work when my husband was working as a truck driver? It’s just something that has always fallen on my shoulders.  I hate yard work with a passion. Hate hate hate it.  I fucking hate it.

Right as I was pulling the rope thingy to start it (hey, I know how to start it, I don’t have to know the technical names, ok?), the rope snapped and I’m sure the whole neighborhood heard me yell “DAMMIT” at the top of my lungs. Fuck.

Well, I tried again, but wrapped the rope around my fingers, promptly giving myself slight rope burn  as well, and pulled the rope back hoping it would start.  Nope.  Not even a sputter out of that damn engine.  I tried that a few times.  I got nothing out of it.

Then I thought to check the oil, and it didn’t need oil either. Tried to start it again, and nothing.  I even let the engine sit for a while to see if it was flooded for some bizarre reason.   That didn’t work either.

So my backyard grass remains long, and I am fairly sure that Athena (the dog) will soon be able to hide in the long blades of grass.  I don’t know how to fix a lawnmower, I don’t know how to load my huge ass lawnmower into the back of my Honda Pilot to take it to a repair shop (not to mention, there is no room for that anyway), and I have no idea what’s wrong with it.  So I just rolled it back into the garage and though “Fuck this shit” to myself.  And now I’m writing a blog post about how pissed off it made me.

This is really just one of those things that overwhelms me, and just seems like the straw that broke the camel’s back.  What am I supposed to do now? I just want to toss it and go buy a new one. Not that I really have the money for that anyway, but it seems like the easy way to go.

When my husband first died, instances like this were what made me really angry.  So angry I wanted to yell and scream at him for leaving me like this because he didn’t teach me how to take care of stuff like this.  I was left so unprepared, and I hate it so much.  I was widowed at 29, and all I knew was being a stay at home mom.  I’ve had many things that made me angry…the lawnmower, dealing with boy issues, pre-teen emotions, painting, other home repairs..you name it, it pisses me off.

I guess all I can do now is ask Mr eHarmony to see if he can figure it out for me, and if not, then explore those options next weekend. If I have to buy a new lawnmower than so be it.  I just wish that this life wasn’t so hard, that everything didn’t have to fall on my shoulders.

 

Bountiful Baskets

Last year some time, I heard about this food co-op called Bountiful Baskets from a friend of mine, and was slightly intrigued.  “Lots of food for cheap? perhaps I’ll check it out.” Each week you can get one to three baskets of fruit, and veggies, and usually they have add-ons like breads, tortillas, different fruit baskets, or a Mexican themed food basket too.  This week though, I missed out on the extra baskets because I ordered too late, but I just got the basic fruit and veggie baskets.  I’ve been thinking that because I need to save money, why not start doing this again?  It fulfills most of our produce needs for the week and it saves me money too.

Check out Bountiful Baskets and tell me what you think!

Here’s what I got this week:

Beets

2lbs green string beans

1 bag of apples

5 large tomatoes

1 large bunch of bananas

6 bunches of broccoli

1 head of colorful cauliflower (i might try make mashed cauliflower with this one, I’ve always wanted to try)

1lb of strawberries

2 mangoes

1 small watermelon

1 pineapple

How awesome is that? and only for $15! I’m going to try do next week if I can, Mr eHarmony and I are going hiking again, but if I get up early enough, then I will be able to pick it up.  It certainly does help with my grocery budget!

Here’s the link again if you are interested, Bountiful Baskets New Participant Instructions

So, how can tell me how to cook beets? I’m lost. I need ideas!

Biggest Loser Fail

I’ve “unofficially” dropped out of the Biggest Loser’s challenge.

Please don’t be disappointed in me, it’s what I had to do to not get completely crazy and discouraged with myself.  I did AWESOME the first month, and then it all went downhill after that.  I really don’t even know my total weight lost, because I didn’t weigh in on my own scale when I first started.  The challenge is over next week, but my weight has gone up the last few weeks, so I know the win is not mine anyway due to the numbers I saw last week.

The last few weeks I haven’t been able to keep up, and then combine that with a 25 day cycle…well, you can imagine the disaster that is brewing there.  When Aunt Flo and her cousin PMS come to visit, I can kiss weight loss goodbye. In fact, I can see the scale moving up before I even step on it.  And it takes me forever to get it off again.  I consistently have 1 week of PMS, then 1 week of period related bullshit where I am trying to get the weight off.  Of course, there is the rare occasion that I do lose during that time period, but those 10 -14 days, I am usually super super hungry and want to eat everything in sight…not to mention chocolate.  Mr eHarmony tells me to resist, but I tell him he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.  He really doesn’t get how hard it is to be a woman and have these intense cravings that you can’t control.  I can control what goes in my mouth, but I can’t control why I get them.  And let’s face it, sometimes I really can’t control what goes in my mouth…my hands have a mind of their own I think haha.

I know I screwed up when my sister was here.  I slacked off on the exercise and the eating, and that is what started this downward spiral.  And I’ve learned that I can’t do that.  I did it to myself, I know that.  And I definitely learned my lesson.  I can’t repeat that one for sure.

I am not so sure that being in a weight loss challenge is the right thing for me.  In many ways it motivates me to keep going, and not eat past 7 etc.  But it also discourages me because if I don’t do well, I want to give up.  I HATE competition with a passion, and though you might think it would drive me to do even better, to beat all those other ladies, it just drags me down because I see it as a failure.  Because I see that as an indicator that I can’t do as well as they can.  And that in itself is a vicious cycle….I try hard, I fail, I feel like shit because I can’t do as well, and then I want to give up.  I do NOT like feeling that way.

Another reason for my discouragement is the scale.  The evil scale.  I do NOT believe that the scale should be a measurement for weight loss at all.  You know what the funny thing is though? I have lost inches and toned up since I joined the challenge.  I went hiking 6 miles on Sunday, a pretty intense hike in some places, and up and down both ways.  My legs didn’t hurt at all the next day.  I recovered like a champ.  And this hike was way more intense than the first one two weeks ago.  I couldn’t have done that two months ago.  Mr eHarmony has noticed more shape in my body. My thighs are smaller, my booty is rounder, and my stomach is smaller.  But I didn’t lose much weight at all, I just gained muscle and toned up.  I believe that measurements, and how your clothes fit should be an indicator in your weight loss, not the scale. A scale does not accurately take into account how much muscle mass you have (well, unless you have a fancy really expensive one like my trainer), how dense your bones are etc.  All it does is weigh you.  Can you see why I am so discouraged now? I am a tall, thick woman. I am 5’9″ and carry my weight quite well, but I come from heavy stock. I did not inherit my mom’s slight build, I got the thick thighs and heavy bones from my dad.

I still believe I can make my goal of two pant sizes smaller before the end of the year, I just need to push myself.  I don’t want to weigh myself much anymore.  I just need to get my diet under control even more.

This is my challenge to myself…no more chocolate till we go to Canada in a month. Chocolate is my downfall, not just candy.  I can hear my blood singing for chocolate some days, and it pulls me towards it like a siren’s call. So, no more chocolate.  I’m also going to try to cut out milk again.  I don’t normally drink milk, but I’ve gotten into the habit this past week of having cereal, and I’m going to stop that.

No more chocolate.