Seems like it’s that time again, time for your letter that I write you every year. Like always, I start this letter a couple of weeks before your death anniversary as it allows me time to work on my feelings and process things yet again, rather than forcing myself to do it all in one day. Good thing I am wearing waterproof mascara today!
I can’t believe it has been three years. I think you started getting sick right about this time in 2009 (late September), and I remember how worried I was. You just weren’t getting better, and I confessed my fears to you about you dying. I was so scared. I remember how you told me “don’t worry, if I feel like I’m going to die, I’ll go to the hospital”. And you did. And you never came home. I’ve had so much time to reflect on our marriage, and after you died, I remembered how I always had this feeling that I wouldn’t get forever with you. You always said you would die young, and I didn’t want to believe it, but deep down I knew, but hoping it would never come true.
I miss you. I will always miss you, and I will always love you. Did you know we still talk about you every single day? Not a day goes by that you don’t enter our thoughts or pop up in conversation. I make sure to do that for the kids, as it’s important that you are kept alive in them. I still cry for you, though not as often. I think the third year has been the easiest for me. The first I was in a total fog and just putting one foot in front of the other. The second was the absolute hardest for me, so far. The fog had lifted, and I was left with two broken hearts…one from you, and one from a jackass that took advantage of me. Everything was so real last year, final…it had all sunk in. Then this year…while it has been the easiest of the three, it has not been without its trials as well. Our family has definitely been on a roller coaster, and I am still trying to make heads or tails of it all.
I met a man a year ago on eHarmony. I didn’t want to join, but several friends pushed me towards it, and I reluctantly joined. Less than a month after I joined, he and I went on our first date on October 15th, and then this past August, he proposed! Oh Barry, you have sent me such a gift in Andrew. How lucky am I to find two men who have loved me with every fiber of their being? He loves the kids, and he is so respectful of your memory, and he also talks about you with them as well. He is a wonderful man, and has pushed me and pushed me out of my shell, just like you wanted. Guess what I accomplished this year? I hiked mountains! Yes, ME! I look back to the person I was three years ago, and the concept of even thinking about that was foreign to me, but I did it!
We’re getting married next year, and Andrew suggested we have a chair reserved for you at the front where the kids will be sitting. And a picture of you as well <3 He wants you to know that we will always remember you, and how this family started. Our son will be walking me down the aisle, giving me away. Speaking of the kids…you would be so proud of them. They are growing and changing every day. V & M will be 12 in a few short months…remember the day we found out we were having twins? “Ya, I zink I zee two in there” with Dr Westerburg? I was only 19 years old and you were 20! we were babies ourselves, and now our babies will be teenagers in just over a year. The boy is already almost as tall as me! Less than an inch to go now He looks just like you, and I love that. I can see your face through him as he grows up. He got a much coveted spot on a basketball team and starts in November! He’s 5’8″ now! The girls….V is such a little lady. She inherited the short gene from your mother and we always tease her about it. But the pipes on that girl! Oh can she sing! I’ve put her in voice lessons and her coach is looking for a spot for her in one of his bands. She is going to give us trouble when she is older, I can see it now…and all the boys will love her. Oy.
E…E is still her same self that she was three years ago. She hates the thought of growing up, scoffs at the thought that she has to wear a bra soon, is still a tomboy, and her hair is a wild untamed mess of thick unruly curls. She has a gentle heart though, and is such a sweetheart who still loves giving hugs all the time. All she wants for her birthday again is Art Supplies! I can’t believe our little indian papoose will be 10 in less than two weeks! She is having her first sleepover party this year and is so excited for it! A is in first grade now…our little baby is almost 7 years old! She takes after her oldest sister, and is a total girly girl. She is reading like a champ, taught herself how to tie her own shoes!, and loves birds. She’s still as quirky as ever though, and has a toy lizard that she named….Bacon. I can’t believe that our children are growing up so fast, they will be out of the house in a blink of an eye.
I cried writing this to you, as I always do. I promise to always hold you close to my heart, to always remember you and make sure you are remembered. I will always talk about you with the kids, and anyone else who will listen. You will live on forever because you will always be loved. Thank you for watching out for us, and sending Andrew our way. As hard as my life has been the last few years, I feel blessed to have, and have had, the love that surrounds me. Thank you for giving me four wonderful children, who at times make me want to run away forever and forget I am a mother, but also allow me to see you through them every single day.
Love forever and always,