Category Archives: Single Mommy Hood

Dear Barry…

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Dearest Barry,

Seems like it’s that time again, time for your letter that I write you every year.  Like always, I start this letter a couple of weeks before your death anniversary as it allows me time to work on my feelings and process things yet again, rather than forcing myself to do it all in one day.  Good thing I am wearing waterproof mascara today!

I can’t believe it has been three years.  I think you started getting sick right about this time in 2009 (late September), and I remember how worried I was.  You just weren’t getting better, and I confessed my fears to you about you dying.  I was so scared.  I remember how you told me “don’t worry, if I feel like I’m going to die, I’ll go to the hospital”.  And you did.  And you never came home.  I’ve had so much time to reflect on our marriage, and after you died, I remembered how I always had this feeling that I wouldn’t get forever with you. You always said you would die young, and I didn’t want to believe it, but deep down I knew, but hoping it would never come true.

I miss you.  I will always miss you, and I will always love you.  Did you know we still talk about you every single day? Not a day goes by that you don’t enter our thoughts or pop up in conversation.  I make sure to do that for the kids, as it’s important that you are kept alive in them.  I still cry for you, though not as often.  I think the third year has been the easiest for me.  The first I was in a total fog and just putting one foot in front of the other.  The second was the absolute hardest for me, so far.  The fog had lifted, and I was left with two broken hearts…one from you, and one from a jackass that took advantage of me.  Everything was so real last year, final…it had all sunk in.  Then this year…while it has been the easiest of the three, it has not been without its trials as well.  Our family has definitely been on a roller coaster, and I am still trying to make heads or tails of it all.

I met a man a year ago on eHarmony.  I didn’t want to join, but several friends pushed me towards it, and I reluctantly joined.  Less than a month after I joined, he and I went on our first date on October 15th, and then this past August, he proposed! Oh Barry, you have sent me such a gift in Andrew.  How lucky am I to find two men who have loved me with every fiber of their being?  He loves the kids, and he is so respectful of your memory, and he also talks about you with them as well.  He is a wonderful man, and has pushed me and pushed me out of my shell, just like you wanted.  Guess what I accomplished this year? I hiked mountains!  Yes, ME!  I look back to the person I was three years ago, and the concept of even thinking about that was foreign to me, but I did it!

We’re getting married next year, and Andrew suggested we have a chair reserved for you at the front where the kids will be sitting.  And a picture of you as well <3 He wants you to know that we will always remember you, and how this family started.  Our son will be walking me down the aisle, giving me away.  Speaking of the kids…you would be so proud of them.  They are growing and changing every day.  V & M will be 12 in a few short months…remember the day we found out we were having twins? “Ya, I zink I zee two in there” with Dr Westerburg? I was only 19 years old and you were 20! we were babies ourselves, and now our babies will be teenagers in just over a year.  The boy is already almost as tall as me! Less than an inch  to go now :) He looks just like you, and I love that. I can see your face through him as he grows up.  He got a much coveted spot on a basketball team and starts in November! He’s 5’8″ now!  The girls….V is such a little lady.  She inherited the short gene from your mother and we always tease her about it.  But the pipes on that girl! Oh can she sing!  I’ve put her in voice lessons and her coach is looking for a spot for her in one of his bands.  She is going to give us trouble when she is older, I can see it now…and all the boys will love her. Oy.

E…E is still her same self that she was three years ago.  She hates the thought of growing up, scoffs at the thought that she has to wear a bra soon, is still a tomboy, and her hair is a wild untamed mess of thick unruly curls.  She has a gentle heart though, and is such a sweetheart who still loves giving hugs all the time. All she wants for her birthday again is Art Supplies!  I can’t believe our little indian papoose will be 10 in less than two weeks! She is having her first sleepover party this year and is so excited for it! A is in first grade now…our little baby is almost 7 years old!  She takes after her oldest sister, and is a total girly girl.  She is reading like a champ, taught herself how to tie her own shoes!, and loves birds.  She’s still as quirky as ever though, and has a toy lizard that she named….Bacon. I can’t believe that our children are growing up so fast, they will be out of the house in a blink of an eye.

I cried writing this to you, as I always do.  I promise to always hold you close to my heart, to always remember you and make sure you are remembered.  I will always talk about you with the kids, and anyone else who will listen.  You will live on forever because you will always be loved.  Thank you for watching out for us, and sending Andrew our way.  As hard as my life has been the last few years, I feel blessed to have, and have had, the love that surrounds me.  Thank you for giving me four wonderful children, who at times make me want to run away forever and forget I am a mother, but also allow me to see you through them every single day.

Love forever and always,

me

xoxoxoxp

13 Years Ago…

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Hard to believe it was so long ago.

13 years ago, my first husband Barry proposed to me.

 

Look at how young we look! We were only 19 then, young and in love.  Actually, I was barely 19, as I had only turned 19 six weeks before.  We were married four months later in Wiesbaden Germany on December 29, 1999.

Here’s a post I wrote on my old blog last year:

12 Years Ago

 
Twelve years ago today, a very nervous, and much skinnier Joanna, waited in front of The Empress hotel in Victoria, BC, for a young man she had known for 9 months and never seen a picture of.

Twelve years ago, Barry and I met in person for the very first time after talking for nine months via phone, email, and yahoo messenger.  I fell in love with him before I even met him, and vice versa.   I knew that even if he was a total toad, I couldn’t ever say no to him, I wanted to marry him that bad.

Twelve years ago today, at 6PM, Barry proposed to me.  He proposed the day we met in person.  And we were married four months later. 

I can’t believe it has been 12 years since August 28th, 1999.  It seems like a lifetime ago.  I’ve always wanted to go back to the place where we were engaged, but haven’t been able to do so.  Partly due to the fact that it’s in Canada, and a pain in the ass to get to Victoria with four kids, but also…because I’m a little scared.  I will go back one day, but I don’t know when yet.

I have a picture of Barry and I from the day we got engaged, and I wish I had a way to scan it for you all.  My scanner is acting up and I can’t figure out how to work it.

I still can’t believe it has been 12 years ago that we met and got engaged.  I miss him so much.  I wish I could hear him tell me how proud he is of me right now, how much he loves me, how awesome I am doing.  But all I can do is hear him in my head.  At least I have that right?  I can hear him talking to him…and while I can’t hear his voice very well right now, I know exactly what he’d be saying to me.

I love you Barry.

Thankfully I was able to have my scanner fixed, and include the picture for you.  It was such a lifetime ago.  Look how much we have loved, lived, and grieved in the last 13 years.  I was about to embark upon a journey of being an Army wife then, and now everything has come full circle again.

“We’re Off To See The Wizard”

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More on that title in a bit…..

I’d like to introduce you all to someone who means so much to me.  Who is an amazing person, who is caring, loving, funny and the best thing that ever happened to me. Someone who LOVES me and my kids, and is already a natural father.                 Someone who I am so incredibly, madly in love with.

This is my FIANCE, Andrew!!!!!!!!!! 

Three days after our 10 month anniversary, Andrew asked me to be his wife!  I very quickly said “YES” as soon as he said to me “Will you be mine?”.  I just love this picture of him that I took yesterday when we were hiking Mt Rainier! I could have posted a much more serious one, but this is him.  This shows his goofy perfect side, it shows the man I fell in love with a thousand times over.

The exciting thing about all of this is that I get to plan a wedding!! I get to marry the love of my life.  I’m so excited to be his wife and grow old with him.  He is my best friend, and I am so ecstatic to spend the rest of my life with such a fabulously sexy, amazing, loving, caring, silly, generous, smart man.

Let me also introduce you to my pretty sparkly…

I picked her out months ago, and boy did he pay attention! Apparently this proposal has been in the works since FEBRUARY!! We were only dating for four months then.  I’ll get some more pictures soon, but what I will leave you with is that the stone is 1.5ct!!  I am in awe of the ring, and I love it!  We’ll be picking out wedding bands in September, and our wedding should be next July sometime, but all that depends on the Army.  Our actual date probably won’t be picked till sometime between January and April.  That DOES make for a challenging few months of planning, but we’ll make it work.

My other HUGE bit of news is that we’re moving with Andrew! Can you guess why I titled this blog post “We’re Off To See The Wizard”? Because we’re PCSing to Fort Riley, Kansas next summer. Andrew has had orders to PCS since February, but did not want to tell me right away.  He made the decision to wait till our relationship was rock solid, and then proposed after he told me.  So, I was definitely a sobbing mess when he asked me to marry him (I thought he was breaking up with me!).  Andrew is leaving in December, so I am such a huge jumble of emotions right now, as I don’t know how I will be able to be without him for six months or more.  I know that IS a part of army life, and I took that on dating a soldier, but it is still a huge shock to my system.

It is going to be a huge change for our family, as it will be the first time the kids have really had a major move, and we’ll be thousands of miles away from our friends and family. There are so many different scenarios and other things we have to work through, and plan…along with planning a wedding, and moving across the country with a family of six all within the span of one month next summer. The biggest challenge for me right now is accepting the fact that Andrew and I won’t really be living together for months now, when I had expected it to happen December 1st.  We wont be spending Christmas as a family anymore, but will be separated by miles and miles.  I’m devastated by that.  But we have a plan, and it will involve lots of skype, text messages, phone calls and emails.  Andrew will also fly home every four-day weekend that he can, and I will go down to Kansas 1-2 times as well by myself.  Early in our relationship, we said that the kids would finish the school year, so that is why we decided to live apart for 6 months.  We’ll get through this, as difficult as it might be to adjust to all of it right now.  You can imagine the chaos that was our home this morning when everyone realized the reality of our life.  It’s been a hectic day to say the least.

I have a ton of posts coming up now with all this, and I can’t wait to share it all! Details about the proposal, our moving to Kansas, our trip to CA in November, buying wedding bands, other wedding planning details, and Army life.  My life has been thrown for a loop!

Gone is the life that I had, and here is a new life yet again…for the umpteenth time in the last three years. I’m embracing it with open arms!